


Haunting, Haunted, Haunts

by KathyIsWeird



Series: Haunting, Haunted, Haunts [1]
Category: Grey's Anatomy
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-06
Updated: 2017-11-13
Packaged: 2019-01-30 09:57:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 10,253
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12651267
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KathyIsWeird/pseuds/KathyIsWeird
Summary: When Callie makes an incredibly difficult decision, she pulls away from everyone to heal. Transplanted into a new town and hospital, Dr. Torres has to fix herself before she can even start to fix the problems she left all those years ago in Seattle.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hey y’all. I’m a little rusty with writing and this fandom is a little new to me. This is set a little while after 12x24. Not quite canon compliant but whatever - it’s all fiction in the end. I try very, very hard to talk about human issues that television can sometimes gloss over. CC is always welcomed, even if it’s negative. I'm also considering this story complete but I am not against a sequel. :) I know nothing about medicine or hospitals so Dr. Google is my best friend. If you have ideas or thoughts, feel free to hit up my twitter @kathysuxx. Lyrics provided are a song By Against Me! (it’s also the name of the fic) I suggest you check it out.

  
  


_ Tonight I can't sleep because I'm haunted _

_ So I'm breaking spells of intention _

_ All I can see is a space in between _

_ The space where you're missing _

  
  


Whatever idiot coined the phrase ‘Distance makes the heart grow fonder” was wrong. Not just incorrect. Like, Callie Torres was contemplating all the ways to snap a femur and not nick the Femoral artery, wrong. Distance does nothing but drag your heart along like tin cans tied to the rusty bumper of a car shooting down a road. It’s painful, it’s cold, it’s broken. Distance is a cop out; a coping mechanism rooted in self sabotage and a keen desire to burn every bridge ever created. Distance had a best friend: Isolation, and coupled together they could penetrate even the happiest of souls. It’s a radical treatment option for those with nothing to lose.  

 

_ I once was drunk on you _

_ So very stoned, fully compelled _

_ Now I'm not sure you ever were _

_ I once was drunk on you _

_ So very stoned, fully compelled _

_ So guided, bound and willed _

_ When the bar dried up, you were already gone _

 

But, sometimes it’s all that’s left to do. Breakups? Psh, she’d been through so many of those that it was almost laughable now. Chasing after multiple girlfriends moving thousands of miles away? Check. Getting married on a whim - more than once - just to have it blow up in her face? Double check. Loving too quickly and hurting herself along with everyone else in the process? Check, check, check. 

 

George was gone, Erica barely counted, Arizona was alive but  _ very _ gone, and Penny hadn’t been home in nearly a month claiming that residency was kicking her ass but making time to sleep with every female associate at Preminger, so Callie assumed she was very gone as well. 

 

_ Rooms that I was left in and rooms that I since left _

_ It was another life that I might have had _

_ I know the feeling well, longing for something that's lost _

_ I feel you like a phantom limb _

 

Slowly, her fingers trailed patterns on Sofia’s warm back. Somehow the small girl had half wiggled out of her coat and still managed to keep one arm around Callie’s torso. A small sigh escaped the warm body snuggled into her side, accompanied by the little whistle of her small snores. Little breaths puffed out of her daughter’s angelic face, making the fur lining the hood of her coat dance and weave in the stale airplane air. It was a blessing that her daughter was sleeping through this flight; Callie couldn’t handle the innocent girl’s questions about why their lives were turned upside down. 

 

_ I once was drunk on you _

_ So very stoned, fully compelled _

_ Now I'm not sure you ever were _

_ I once was drunk on you _

_ So very stoned, fully compelled _

_ So guided, bound and willed _

_ When I sobered up, you were already gone _

 

Usually counting Sofia’s sleepy breaths was something Callie used to as a form of meditation. From the time they made eye contact in the NICU and her little lungs rose and fell, all the way to the previous night when she’d fallen asleep in her room in New York for the last time, the slow melody of her daughter’s sleep noises were a surefire way to calm her in the worst of times. The steady beat of something pure that she’d created with nothing but love and light was a beacon in the shadows. Damned to anyone, her mother included, who could not recognize the divinity of the small miniature version of her that she poured heart and soul into. How could they not see this child for the small miracle she was? The simple memory of holding her small baby, younger than any child born full term, was enough to calm any fears she’d ever had.  

 

_ Oh shit, oh no _

_ What happens now? _

 

But, at this point, Callie didn’t need to be calmed. No. Dazed, unfocused eyes focused half-assedly on the small safety pamphlet in the back pouch of the seat in front of her. Bobbing with the sway of the airplane, her head rolled around without a single care. She laughed - those brochures were bullshit - airline propaganda. It was very unlikely that anyone on this flight knew what to do in case the plane went down. The drawings on the crumpled paper would be useless. 

 

Hopefully no one needed an amputation, because those are  _ extra _ complicated. 

 

Callie shook her head - why was she thinking like this? For the six months she’d been in New York, she’d focused on having a positive mental attitude and trying her damndest to avoid thoughts of Seattle and all the horrible, horrible things that happened there. 

 

But, they  _ were _ going back to Seattle. 

 

Well, Sofia was. 

 

Callie was not staying. 

 

The busy, overcast town where she’d thrived and sunk, lived and nearly died, loved and lost, was special to her for the strangest of reasons. Alas, she was not welcomed there. No one had said that, obviously. Well, mostly because no one knew she was flying overnight to drop her daughter off at daycare. But, she knew that the breaks she’d caused were not healed and that to irritate them would complicate things. 

 

So, she’d decided to remove herself - the diseased marrow - from the limb in hopes to expedite any healing that needed to happen. From there, who knows where the disheveled surgeon would end up. 

 

_ This wine hasn't turned to vinegar, there's enough to pour a drink _

_ But just one drink won't be enough to put myself to sleep _

 

Then - and only then - would Callie be free to fall into the wind she desperately wanted to disappear into. Scatter among the 323 million people buzzing about the United States. To disappear as quickly as she’d appeared in the lives of everyone at Grey-Sloan Memorial Hospital back when it was lovingly named Seattle Grace. 

 

Grace. 

 

Boy, she could use some of the grace she’d prayed for every minute of every moment Sofia Robbin Torres Sloan spent inside of her coupled with the time she fought to survive in the NICU. Even a sliver of the miracles that happened that day would help during this trying time. 

 

Right now, the confident and sassy Ortho Goddess with a smile from the heavens and a strut too sinful for most, was reduced to a disassociated mess of a human with no desire to even keep breathing let alone go outside and face the New York crowds. For someone who was vehemently against running away from problems, she was sure good at doing it. Technically, she wasn’t abandoning a girlfriend and moving to Africa. But she was leaving Sofia in Seattle and stepping down as a parent, which was probably the most gut-wrenching decision she’d ever make. 

 

But, just as Sofia had kept her alive while lay dying on the hood of a car years ago. She now kept her alive by snoring gently on her lap and squeezing her fingers as she slept. 

 

It was all for Sofia, all of it. 

 

But, she needed to live for herself too. 

 

Finally 

 

_ I once was drunk on you _

_ So very stoned, fully compelled _

_ Now I'm not sure you ever were _

_ I once was drunk on you _

_ So very stoned, fully compelled _

_ So guided, bound and willed _

_ When the bar dried up _

_ When I sobered up _

_ You were already gone _

_ I'm shit out of luck _

  
  



	2. Chapter 2

_ Three years later _

 

_ Biiiing! Biiiiing!  _

  
  


A hand darted out from the sheets just long enough to hit the “snooze” option on the touch screen without looking. Was it sad that she knew the exact spot on her phone to silent her alarm because she did it a minimum four times each morning? Probably. But, who was going to judge her? Unless you counted the birds that lived in the attic and the mouse that darted across the kitchen floor occasionally, there wasn’t a soul in sight. 

 

Leisurely, she laid in her warm blanket nest, taking in the comfort of the downy blankets and toasty sheets around her. It was a morning ritual: toeing the line in between slumber and wakefulness. Just a few minutes of blissful ignorance in the morning before the weight of the horrendous world around her invaded her senses and the spell would be broken. Hence, the burrowing into a tunnel of blankets each morning. There would be no sunlight and no distractions until she was ready to face the day. It was a form of meditation for her - something she’d started later in life. 

 

Her phone blared the slow melody again - forcing her back to consciousness. With a grunt her hand slipped out from the blankets and grabbed the cold phone, sliding it into the bunker of blankets she was currently stationed under. One eye cracked open blearily. After a few moments she tapped the home button and winced at how bright the phone was. Even with “night mode” on, the dim ochre screen was still luminous and angry against her vision.

 

Four minutes until her first snooze was up. 

 

Good, that was four more minutes that her other eye could stay asleep.

  
  


Five alarms and a leg cramp later, Callie Torres was up and contemplating a shower.  As a surgeon, she was used to bathing whenever possible. Sometimes it just was too much effort to take care of yourself after spending hours and sometimes days on end giving your all to a patient. So, hot showers were rare and baths a luxury. Early on as an intern, they all learned how to maintain personal upkeep with the wipes they had at the hospital that smelled like tea tree oil and eucalyptus. Living across from the Hospital had also been a lifesaver on more than one occasion. Many days Callie could make it to home, shower, and be back in no time. 

 

But with no surgeries in the future and no one to impress, the idea of getting under the lukewarm, sputtering spray wasn’t appealing. Plus, the worst part was leaving the steamy room and trying to dress in the blustery cabin. Just thinking about it gave her goosebumps. Nope. Not today. It was Monday and Monday’s were for coffee and contemplation. That, and sleeping until 9 am - especially in the colder months. 

 

It wasn’t that the heat didn’t work. No, her landlord made sure that everything was kempt. But, she’d never even heard the phrase “turning the heat on” until well into her residency. It was so much easier to add a layer instead of fiddling with a degree or two. Part of it was she was a human incubator. Like, wearing shorts until November type person. The other reason was simply because the cold reminded her of Seattle, as cliche as it sounded. The whole reason she’d even considered renting a studio-like cabin in the woods was a little memory waaaay back that would forever remind her of what true, unadulterated happiness felt like. What contagious joy could do to someone. 

 

_ Are you peeking? _

_ No! _

_ Are you ready? _

_ Yes! _

_ Ta-da! _

_...Derek’s trailer? _

_ …. _

_ I mean it’s almost camping. There is a bed, and lingerie, and no one around for miles.  _

  
  


It was a good memory, from a great time in her life. Not that her life wasn’t going well now, which it was...totally. More like it wasn’t going at all but the only person she was trying to fool was her own self; and denial was not just a river. It was in fact, part of Callie Torres’ DNA. Life was manageable, so that meant it was good.  It had to be, right? 

 

Except for the part where her ex-wife and daughter were hours away and probably very, very happy in a warm house with stability and friends and a freezer full of secret Pizza Rolls. Sofia had a room decorated with princess dresses and superhero costumes. She had lots of friends, and no shortage of positive role models. For someone who was dead set against having children, Arizona Robbins was one of the best parents Callie had ever seen. That’s why she’d agreed to let Arizona have sole custody for the past few years. Sofia was thriving and Callie was devastated that her presence at this time would only hinder her. She did message every day and once in awhile they would video chat, but Callie knew that to disrupt her daughter for selfish reasons was exactly the type of parent she did not want to be. Sofia deserved the best love and care available and for the past three years Callie was not able to give that. 

 

Callie could only give a 600 square foot cabin, Netflix, and nihilistic streak that put Nietzsche to shame. None of those were conducive to raising a healthy young adult. 

 

Maybe she’d just suffered too much heartbreak in too short of time. But, she was working on it with the help of the a therapist and lots of writing in her diary. There was a light at the end of the dark tunnel. Three years of rain clouds filled with mental anguish were slowly, slowly scattering. 

 

She had slandered and thrown her ex-wife’s name in the dirt like a soggy diaper. Arizona, as much as they’d fought, deserved respect and in that courtroom years ago, she did not receive it. It was not a pleasant memory for Callie, and it definitely was a desolate time in her life. 

 

Callie was raised to be rough and fight back when attacked. But, this wasn’t combat in a war zone. That was two mothers doing what they thought was best for their child. A child who was still affected by the loss of a parent she’d never remember. So, Arizona had been defensive when challenged. But Callie...well Callie had brought out the big guns and had make a fool of herself and mockery of her parenting. She’d brought shame on her name, and not even because she’d married a woman. It was something she’d always regret deeply, but could not change. 

  
  


Many moons ago, Arizona had been visibly surprised when Callie told her the story of “Perfect Penny” and all the escapades she’d been on in the few months since Callie and Sofia had moved to New York. She’d commented on Callie’s appearance and how sad she looked. It was almost endearing, minus the fact that the bubbly blonde seemed almost satisfied in her tumbling love life. Callie asked about her life to be pleasant and her ex-wife had brushed the question off with a different subject. They’d briefly discussed hospital drama that she’d missed, and Arizona gave her an envelope with different sets of hospital paperwork she’d need to file as a board member at Grey Sloan. 

 

Sofia had smiled at Arizona and asked if they could go get lunch together. The thought of sitting across from her ex-wife and child was crushing - she did not deserve to share in such an event. She could not look at Arizona without hearing all the malicious things she’d said in court. Hell, even before their hearing, Callie and erupted on the woman far more than once. 

 

That’s when Callie made the decision that would change everyone’s life forever. She’d shaken her head and declined the offer to lunch, crouched down to Sofia’s eye level, and given her daughter the tightest hug she could manage safely. Arizona watched them with an unreadable expression. 

 

She had taken the news pretty well, especially when Callie had stood up given her a sad embrace and whispered  _ Please take care of our daughter, Arizona. She needs you. I can’t be enough right now.  _ Her ex-wife had nodded and squeezed her shoulder in solidarity. She probably understood because she’d been there. But, Callie couldn’t reap comfort from her because she was not entitled to those benefits anymore. She’d left that sad, sad airport the most gutted and vulnerable she had been in her entire life. 

 

She had no home, no family, no one to talk to. 

 

So, she did the only thing she could think of - she found a pub with bottomless brunch and poured over the classified while downing more than one Bloody Mary. 

 

Callie had meant to get an apartment, she really had. There were phone calls, and ads answered. Plus, even a few walkthroughs. Nothing really, stuck though. Leases were commitment, as were mortgages, and as soon as she’d sat down to think about it, Callie realized she really didn’t want any of those things at the moment. 

 

But life and health are hard, especially when doing things alone that only a few years prior were done as a family. Buying a sedan instead of an SUV. Going through the drive thru and only ordering one meal. Seeing a movie alone. All of those things were heartbreaking now and held nothing but pain for her.   

 

So, instead of building a life for her and Sofia, Callie had moved as far as she could from both New York and Washington. She distanced herself from anyone who’d know her name or reputation. She’d taken a page out of Izzie Stevens's book and started over with nothing but a wad of cash and a cell phone. 

 

And landed in a cabin...in Iowa. 

 

Yes, Calliope Iphegenia Torres, M.D. was an Orthopedic Surgeon, a Parent, and Ex-Wife, and most recently…a midwesterner. 

 

Although she was, most of all, late for work. 

  
  



	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story is going to happen in three separate parts that I have mapped out. The first arc will be five chapters long and is finished and awaiting a few more read throughs. So, since I can’t guarantee my schedule will be complimentary, I’m posting two chapters in one day (also because all of you are awesome)

 

She didn’t really go into surgery much these days, unless the head of Ortho was desperate and called for a consult or needed an extra set of hands. In fact, the only thing keeping her from driving to Hurts Donuts instead of the Hospital was the fact that she needed to pay the rent and also because she wanted to watch the Domino surgery that the hospital was performing soon.

 

Otherwise, she would have probably called off for the week and spent it in the confines of her warm, cozy queen sized bed. It a rainy Monday and an off week for athletes, so she didn’t have much in the way of work to do. Granted, she could catch up on paperwork but who wanted to spend a Monday doing that?

 

However, it would be nice to sit in gallery and observe this once-in-a-lifetime event later this week. Was it a jab at her former hospital - seeing a surgery that topped theirs? If she was being honest…a little bit. But, mostly she wanted to witness history in the making a second time. She wanted to get lost in a sea of success and celebration, even if she had little to nothing to do with it. 

 

The surgery - if successful - would set the record for the most donor-recipient kidney transplants at once. There were 5 pairs, with 10 surgeries total. Ever since the Domino at Seattle Grace, Callie had always wanted to see another one. This one happened to be 5 children in the same family - all with Alport Syndrome. The donors? Five cousins from the other side of the family - all statistically good matches. The odds weren’t great, but the result of the untreated illness were much worse. Plus, the amount of positive attention the Hospital would garner was priceless. 

 

So, she spent that rainy Monday wrapping knees and pulling out jammed fingers. Tuesday was filled with check ups on torn ACL’s while Wednesday was the day for dislocated extremities. Thursday was paperwork and letters of recommendation for the Fellows. It was a textbook week at the Clinic. 

 

The monotony of it all was actually soothing. She had a very competent staff, which is why she only worked four days a week. Between volunteers and Ortho fellows trying to get more hours, the sports clinic was efficient and doing well. It was nice to be in charge of something, no matter how small it was. She was doing exactly what she’d set out to do years ago: disappear. 

 

It was strange, to be in the middle of the country. She’d grown up on either end of the United States and for a midwestern town, it was nice here. The people were kind, there were a plethora of things to do, and the University of Iowa Hospitals were one of the most renowned medical networks in the country. When she’d applied for the Chief of Orthopedic Surgery position at the hospital, she hadn’t been in the greatest state of mind. She’d just parted with Sofia and cut ties with all of her family. It had been a little rough to have no one in her corner during such a vulnerable time. 

 

During the first round of interviews, the hiring board had mentioned her groundbreaking work on bionic legs and asked for a small mock presentation. Completely blindsided and already pretty awkward with public speaking, Callie had just muttered “It started with my late...late friend, Dr. Derek Shepherd.. To...to give my wife - ex-wife? I’m not...a better quality of life to raise our-” before rushing out of the board room to find the nearest receptacle to puke her nerves away. 

 

Obviously, she hadn’t been the “most qualified candidate” they’d interviewed. Or, so said the letter of rejection she’d been emailed less than three hours later. At least she hadn’t work butterfly pantyhose though, right?

 

However, when the Hospital asked her to run the Clinic for Orthopedics and Sports Medicine, she’d been overjoyed. Something about their last clinic Chief taking moving West without any warning to go teach or something . What some surgeons would consider to be beneath their credentials, Callie knew was going to be a blessing in disguise. Gone were the 18-hour workdays, replaced with a set 10am to 6pm with rotating weekends. It may have seemed trite, but a stable schedule was something Callie had no idea she’d needed to help herself heal. Well, along with the 1800 miles between her and the women on both coasts who’d broken her heart into tiny, tiny angry shards. That was nice too. 

 

She almost missed Seattle. Something about the drama between staff and the hubbub of the Surgery floor made for a really entertaining work environment. But, as all things end, so did the twinkle of O.R. lights and the rush of energy while scrubbing in. Callie Torres, like many before her, had burnt out. Was it from her ever-crumbling divorce that lead into the crumbling of her rebound relationship? Probably. 

 

At some point in time, she had unraveled to the point where she was doing more harm than good. Sofia had noticed that Callie and Arizona were not happy together. She had started acting out and the looks on her face when they’d fought were enough to make Callie realize that Sofia needed stability and at that moment in time, she could not provide that. There was something wrong with the foundation of this family and the only choice left was to remove herself from the equation. Couples therapy had been a failure. If anything all it had done was introduce sad break-up sex as a form of goodbye. 

 

It wasn’t until Arizona showed up at the door with Sofia and plane tickets that Callie’s view of her ex spouse shifted into a subtle respect. Their downfall was not something sudden, and was not something initiated by a solitary incident. When you start a race on the wrong foot there’s no fixing your pace. They’d been doomed from the start and nothing short of a miracle could fix them. 

 

It seemed that for the last decade she’d just been in a perpetual state of mourning. 

  
  


She mourned George.

She mourned Mark. 

She mourned the lost relationship between her own mother. 

She mourned the loss of Arizona

She mourned the loss of her self-confidence and worth. 

She mourned the warm bed filled with the warm body of a woman she’d loved. 

 

But, after a warm life filled with lots of people, the cold floor of rock bottom was a startling yet welcomed shift. 

 

It had been just over three years since she’d said goodbye to Seattle as a whole and moved to New York. It had been twenty-nine months since she’d ghosted New York and transplanted herself into the midwest - Cedar Rapids, Iowa to be exact. It had been three years since she’d seen Sofia’s angelic face in person and recently she hadn’t been able to face time in a few months. The ache was still there, and still very painful. But, with the pain came a sort of calm, as terrible as it sounded. 

 

There wasn’t much to the small industrial city, which is mostly why she chose it. Plus, it wasn’t too far from the hospital - just over a half hour if she missed school traffic. Iowa had some of the best school from Kindergarten to Post-Grad, so it seemed logical to set up camp here. You know, in case her almost-ten-year-old decided that uprooting her life and moving back was an option.

 

_ So, at 6 o’clock in the morning on a crisp Saturday, almost three years ago, Callie snuck into the daycare to nuzzle a sleeping Sofia and paged Karev. When he’d come running only a few minutes later, she’d taken his hands and looked into his worried eyes and told him a plan that only she knew. Arizona knew that she was going to leave, but not to where. _

 

_ She watched his face crumble as she unloaded details to him that he could not inform his superior, moreso his friends, about. It was unfair to put him in that position. But, when she finished her speech about stability and safety during childhood, she knew that he had understood on a level that only those who’d suffered as kids would understand. She was here to silently say goodbye to the life she really had no choice but to leave. She’d broken ties in New York and was no longer tethered to the Pacific Northwest. She needed to start over and only Alex Karev was privy to that information.  _

 

_ She could not promise to not fall apart and hurt those she loved - including herself. So, she gave up. Was she a martyr? Hardly. What she actually was, was a catalyst for anger and resentment which unfortunately she could not keep quelled any longer. _

 

As she turned to leave her small cabin on Friday, she looked at the small 4x6 frame on the table by her bed and smiled. A photo of her small family, including Mark, sat in the small frame she’d grabbed at a Target on her way out of town. In the beginning, her rage and vengeance had almost convinced her to rip Arizona’s face out of the photo. Every time she saw the oceanic eyes and emotive dimples, her heart physically hurt. They’d gotten so tangled up in life that they’d just gotten too far gone. Sofia’s beautiful newborn smile was really the heart of the photo. Everything she did in life was to better her own so when Sofia came back she could give her the solid parenting she deserved - not the haphazard emotional turbulence she’d experienced the past few years. 

 

The door clicked behind her as she left. Slowly, she let her gaze roam over the patchy autumnal foliage and grey sky. The weather in Iowa was pretty similar to the weather in Seattle only instead of having three seasons of rain and one of snow - it was more of a solid four very separate seasons. Autumn in Iowa was pretty similar to the constant in Seattle. The smell of wet earth and morning chill was intoxicating and immediately calmed the anxious doctor. At this point in life, she’d take what comfort she could find. 

 

For now, though, she’d take watching a Domino surgery as a comfort.

  
  


Fridays were the beginning of her weekends. Usually she filled the silence with long hikes and Netflix marathons. But, this Friday was breaking the norm and Callie was actually excited for it! 

 

She drove to the hospital in a pretty good mood. Her therapist had congratulated her on embracing a change in her routine. Then, she’d told Callie that they could scale back their weekly visits to monthly. Happily, she tapped her fingers against the steering wheel to whatever generic pop song was playing. The sun was out and the dashboard said it was a brisk 65 degrees outside. The air around her smelled of spiced apples and cinnamon whisky. It was calming. 

 

She found a parking spot near the back of the hospital and gathered her things for today. With a quick glance left and right, she crossed the street. There were a few nondescript econo vans lined up in the parking lot - likely the transport of the teams of surgeons working from all around the country today. 

 

She quietly made her way towards the first surgery theater and was glad to see that it was still relatively uninhabited. Callie looked around and picked a spot near the back corner. She sat her things in spot on her left and placed her coffee mug between her thighs. With a few sweeping glances, she took in how  _ large _ this theater was. 

 

“So, uh, Doctor...Torres, how are we doing today?” one of the many surgeons observing in the gallery sat down next to her. She’d never seen him before, but the logo on his scrubs matched hers so obviously he worked for the hospital. She cringed at the stereotypical Doctoral jargon and collective “we” that most hospitals had phased out long ago. 

 

Outside of the Clinic she knew few people. She’d purposefully not made any friends at this hospital; people and interpersonal relationships were too taxing for her at this time. She was still picking up pieces of her psyche and glueing them back together. The old “Tape and Glue” method Meredith had spoken so highly of. She did not have the effort or energy in her to try and face the public. It made for some rather brusque professional friendships but it was for the better. 

 

“I’m excited to see this surgery,” she replied halfheartedly to the stoic Doctor - who seemed a to be less than interested in her answer. He obviously was making small talk - everyone else seemed interested in their own group in the gallery. She was correct in assuming that it would fill up fast, even though the surgery wouldn’t even start for two hours. Most of these people would never see a case like this again. 

 

“I’ve never seen a Domino surgery be completed in it’s entirety. I hope to witness history,” he replied. “Where are you from? I haven’t seen you around here.”

 

‘I run the Ortho clinic on the other side of the University,” Callie motioned halfheartedly towards the building. “But, I figured since it’s been quiet season so far, I would let my staff handle it for the day. These kinds of medical miracles are exhilarating.”

 

He nodded in agreement and after a few tense moments of awkward not-quite-eye-contact , excused himself to snag a spot closer to the glass. She didn’t blame him honestly. Everyone here wanted to be in the photos and have their name attached to the articles that would come of this. But, Callie had seen it all before and did not want notoriety for anything really. She enjoyed blending into the background quietly.

 

Sitting alone in a gallery full of people was quickly becoming her least favorite past time. People were talking and laughing amongst themselves - all in matching black scrubs with the little hawkeye logo in the top right pocket. She could know these people - if she’d tried. They always needed hands in the E.R. and there were always skills labs to participate in. Just because she wasn’t married to a fellow Surgeon and own a share of a hospital didn’t mean that she shouldn’t make an effort to know her peers. But, deep down Callie knew that just like Seattle and New York, she would not be here long. Her contract was up soon, and her Therapist had been hinting that they may be actually making progress. 

 

Maybe it was the twinkling lights, maybe it was the sweet smell of autumn in the air. But, Callie Torres felt like things were looking up, finally. 


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just remember yall, Calzona is endgame :)

At the hour mark until the surgery, the operating room doors opened and the nurses and staff filtered into the room to start prepping. The cheers and applause for the people below made Callie smile. It was nice to recognize everyone involved in the process, especially those frequently overlooked. She’d been guilty of it more than once, but Arizona had always made sure to earnestly thank every member of her staff after a big surgery. The gentle blonde had been so, so close to her scrub nurses all the way up to the anesthesiologist on staff that when the merger with Mercy West had happened and her staff had been cut, she’d stayed up night after night writing letters of recommendation and compiling baskets for the team she had lost. 

It was small acts like those that made Arizona Robbins so easy to love. She was so honest and genuine that as soon as you met her, you fell. There were so many reasons and characteristics that made her fall in love with the compassionate surgeon over and over again, but her authenticity and selflessness were definitely major. All her life, Callie had been pushed around by parents and partners to fit a mold that she couldn’t physically form to. With Arizona, she was given the platform and trust to grow as a person and eventually expand into a family.

Which is why the image of her ring being pinned to another woman’s scrub top was one of the most traumatic scenes she could not pluck from her mind. For every happy memory she had with her wife, there would be a negative one that completely destroyed anything positive happened. Their wedding would always be tarnished by her infidelity, and their engagement would always remind her of the moments where she was sure she’d never get to meet her daughter. Even after they’d worked past the cheating, life still was punctuated with instances where it really boiled down to trust. From the very beginning, things were strained and Callie had entered the relationship still healing from George. Her haunches had been up for far too long and honestly, she was tired. Tired of being on defense for everything. Tired of being paranoid about every move anyone made. She was just exhausted. 

According to Greek mythology - every person used to be born with one arm and one leg. Later in life, they’d meet their soulmate and merge - forming a complete human. The metaphor was real in her opinion and stayed in the front of her mind even after Arizona’s amputation. People were like tendons and muscles, when the bones break they shift and accommodate the best they can. But, eventually the muscles atrophy and the tendons tear. Infections can spread quickly and soon the whole limb would be compromised. There’s no choice left, even when the decision is heartbreaking and unthinkable.

The gallery was now crammed to the point where if the fire marshall was there he’d probably resign. People were squashed together, laps were sat on, and friends were doubled up on chairs. After a few pointed looks and a few not-so-subtle elbow nudges, Callie had scooted out of her spot  and taken residence in the back corner. Thankfully, the back was raised bleacher style so she was just tall enough to see over the crowd. The hospital had opened up the other three panels of the gallery for press and it looked very similar to a large concert. The amount of pressure the surgical team was under would be intense and Callie was actually relieved that she’d take to disappearing in the back.

It was one thing to be known the medical community, but with news stations and freelance photographers surrounding the double wide surgical theatre, it would be nerve-wracking. There were five operating rooms on the west side of the wing and and all of them would be used today, with only about a half hour for sanitizing. The doors between the rooms were open, and it looked like a few terrified interns were in charge of keeping them free.  Since they would have to stagger the surgeries slightly, she assumed that after the first few hours of this one, most of the press across the way would move along. 

The green light turned on and the din of the crowd quieted immediately, a rolling wave of silence enveloping the gallery. They wheeled in the first patient and settled him in. After a few minutes of speculation and shutter clicks, the surgical team filed in one by one - all of them identical in their gowns and gloves. A myriad of multi-colored scrub caps were visible and it made the whole scene even more amazing. The amount of teamwork this would take was astounding. As soon as they all filed in and the door closed, they reached up and waved to everyone, breaking the silence of the theatre as a wave of applause erupted, almost loud enough to swallow Callie whole. 

When they stopped and turned to the small form on the table, Callie felt the familiar butterflies in her stomach - the ones she’d felt before major surgeries. It was what interns and staff called the “God Complex” but they had no idea. 

“It was a beautiful day to save lives.” Callie whispered to no one. She accompanied the familiar phrase with a small sign of the cross.  

Someone had to say it.

Almost three hours later and the first kidney procurement had gone well. The team had a few hiccups, as all surgeons do. But the Hospital had assembled an elite team from all over the country to assist and it was proving helpful. The number of cumulative years of experience on the team were very likely in the thousands. Callie wasn’t really interested in the people on the staff - she felt no loyalty to this hospital. However, she was loyal to medicine, and she knew that the U of I would pick great surgeons for this team.

The crowd on her side of the gallery had thinned a little as the initial opening of the patient went smoothly and the prepping of the next one started. Some people on call got paged and a few seemed to be uncomfortable in the crowded area. Callie had to admit that the air was getting a little stale and temperature was rising a little above comfort level. 

Another round of applause started as the lead surgeon gave the signal to close up the first patient. Most of the staff walked out of the room and started to scrub out as a lot of the crowd started to dissipate. Callie realized that a lot of the people watching were probably members of the team that would work later. Most people didn’t realize how many people it actually took for a single surgery, especially with a complicated one like this. Some of the people around her would be working for at least 12 hours straight if not more. 

Instead of assisting in clogging the exit,  Callie stayed put for a little bit watching the remainder of the team signal to stop the clock and high-five. She missed her team, she really did. The clinic was stable and quiet - the worst she saw was dislocated shoulders, broken fingers, and a few torn ligaments. She missed the feel of a team at her fingertips - ready to change someone’s life for the better. A smile slowly spread across her face - she hadn’t felt the desire to be in an OR in ages. Granted, it was still panic-inducing, but the feelings were coming back slowly.

The cleaning team shuffled in and started sanitizing the room in a hurry. Callie checked her phone and decided that she probably had about twenty minutes before the team came to prep the room again. Unless, she decided to peek into one of the other theatres but, she’d gotten comfortable in this one and wasn’t too keen on following the crowd to each room. She was here for the experience not the glory. 

She stood to leave and walked in the direction of the cafeteria. It was almost noon and because she’d skipped breakfast - her stomach was not very happy. Plus, it was meatball sub day and that was a holiday in itself.

After grabbing a sub and a few napkins, Callie made her way outside and picked a picnic table that was empty - exactly how she liked to eat. For too long her meals had been interrupted by interns or attendings with personal problems. There was nothing she coveted more than a quiet meal period, especially since she wasn’t interested in making friends in blustery Iowa. 

She felt her phone vibrate on the table and for a moment was confused. She didn’t talk to people - willingly. For weeks after she’d left, everyone had called her non-stop. Eventually everyone tapered off; either they’d gotten the hint or Karev had squealed on her. Even so, the only person she’d answer the phone for was Sofia, Karev, or very occasionally Meredith. 

At first Alex had sent her updates of the drama at Grey Sloan and occasionally photos of Sofia when he babysat. But, at her insistence, he’d stopped. It hurt too much when she asked  _ why  _ he had to babysit and he’d reply with standard bullshit that didn’t actually answer her question outright but told her the information she’d been looking for. Plus, she knew he was Arizona’s best friend and it was cruel to make him choose sides when he’d mentioned her ex-wife’s girlfriends or whatever.

Arizona was dating. 

It stung- pretty badly at first. But, as the weeks went by, the idea of Arizona smiling at someone who didn’t pressure her to ‘get better’ every night and someone who appreciated her for who she now was, placated Callie. Was she angry? Definitely. But, it was more anger at herself for being too weak to stick around. Could she blame Arizona for trying to find companionship after their relationship had been so toxic? How could Callie even look her in the eyes after all the horrific she let her lawyers say about her. It was bad enough that she’d made their friends pick sides, but when they realized what a smear campaign she was running, it made them angry too. She never thought she’d say it but having Alex impartial to it was incredible helpful. 

So, when Callie saw Karev’s name on the caller ID, she thought twice before answering. 

“”Hello?”

“Hey, Callie. It’s Alex. Uh, it’s been a while.” he stuttered the words out. She could tell he was nervous. 

“I didn’t lose your number, dork. I’ve just...been busy. I-” Callie started. 

“No, I get it, ” Alex interrupted. “ I do. I just saw that you guys were going for a 10 way domino today. Are you there?”

Thankful that he’d started with neutral territory, Callie relaxed. “I was up in the gallery for the first harvest. You’d shit yourself if you saw how big the theatres here are. They’re huge and it goes all around. There were like 3 hundred people observing. It felt like a medical opera!”

“Sounds terrifying. You staying for all of ‘em?”

“Not sure. I cleared my schedule for today. I don’t have much else to do. They’re aiming to be done by midnight.”

“It’s what...12:30 there?” Alex asked. 

“Yeah, why?” 

His chuckle reminded Callie how much she actually missed her friend. 

“No reason, I’m just keeping tabs on it throughout the day and I wanted to check in later to see how it went. But, I have a date tonight so I might not be able to call.”

“Ohhhhh,” Callie feigned interest. “What’s her name? I thought you were with-”

“Sofia.” He paused for a moment. “I’m babysitting.”

Callie exhaled slowly, of course. She felt the anxiety build quickly in her chest. 

“Hey Cal, it’s not what you think. But, I gotta go - I’ll call later, okay?”

She confirmed that she might answer twice in one day and then hung up - her mood suddenly dampened by the snippet of info he’d given her. She chastised herself for being petulant. At some point she was going to have to get over the fact that she no longer mattered to anyone in Seattle over the age of 10.

Out of time, napkins, and patience, she threw away her garbage and made her way back into the Hospital. If she was lucky, she’d find a seat with no one’s elbows in her personal space. 


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the final installment of this part. Part Two should be finished in the coming months. Feel free to drop me a message here or on twitter as kathysuxx

That evening, Callie decided to take a walk around the hospital. The chunk of hours in the gallery had started to drive her mad. The team in OR one had just finished their last surgery in that room, so it was down to the final stretch. So, with no reason to stick around, Callie decided to leave the hospital and walk around a little bit. The only downfall was that in order to leave on the right side of the giant building, she’d have to walk through the Ortho wing. Well, she didn’t have to, but she felt like she _ needed _ to. 

 

For a long time, she’d avoided the area. The sound of snapping bones and walkers scooting across the floor made her remember things she didn’t want to. Sometime’s she get an adrenaline rush just from hearing bones pop into sockets. Sometimes she’d hear Arizona’s sobs when one of the steel walkers dragged against tile. 

 

Neither of those sets of memories were pleasant for her. She knew for a fact that her mind and her hands missed the feeling of popping things back into place and setting bones. She knew that if she lost herself in the melody of an emergency room, the urge to go back would be too great for her to fight off. Surgery was intoxicating. But, as all vices are, too much too fast can ruin you.

 

So, she compromised with herself and sat, day after day, at her desk in the sports clinic. It was just enough to placate the urge to run and the urge to self-destruct. Her staff was nice enough, and they did good work. However, she had no idea who they were. Obviously she’d hired them all based on their good resumes. But, they were still just bodies to Callie. They mostly ran themselves. It was lazy management but in this very moment - it was exactly what she needed to do. Her contract was only for 36 months and after that she was free. 

 

Maybe in March when her contract ended, she’d go to Miami and visit her family again. Maybe they’d skype with her mija and could catch a glimpse of her other mother. Or, maybe her daughter could go with her.

 

Maybe.

  
  


It never ceased to amuse Callie to find there was a Joe’s Bar in Iowa City. It looked nothing like the Emerald City bar from home. But, to be able to say she was “going to Joe’s” made Callie giggle each time. Granted, the only person she talked to lived pretty far away but still. A few times she’d used her rotating weekends to go spelunking or even catch a baseball game. Yeah, it was lonely as hell. But, the din of the game and the peace of the caves were cathartic to her. It was kind of like dating...herself. For years she’d been in relationships that had made her smaller and now she was trying her damndest to stand tall. 

 

The bar itself was definitely a college dive. There was a reason that the University of Iowa was named the school that partied the hardest something like 10 years in a row. There was plenty of room to sit and even a patio. During the summer she would sit out on the patio with a Shandy and write in her diary. There were probably more fun places to go at night. Other bars had live music, or even famous musical acts. But, this small place had welcomed her when she’d first arrived in Iowa so, she stayed. 

 

The only downfall was that her cabin was in the next town over and even then quite a drive into the country. So, she’d either have to crash in an on-call room since her Clinic had limited space (which she did not like to do because she technically was not on call or even a surgeon there) or she would have limit herself to a few drinks because there were no Taxi drivers in Iowa City and the Uber drivers were weird as hell.  

 

She trailed a finger around the tepid glass of Blue Moon as she waited to see the results of the kids from the Domino as they came in. After she’d gotten wind of the third recipient being closed up, she decided to ditch the hospital and go out. Briefly she considered scoping out a gay bar or two, but that seemed a little too brave for her right now.

 

Besides, how sexy was a one-room cabin 45 minutes away and filled with nothing. Even her closet was empty. Her dresser had nothing on it except one single phone charger and one tablet that she only used to watch Netflix. Her drawers were empty minus scrubs, three outfits, pajamas, and a sad vibrator with batteries that been dead for going on 6 months. 

 

Yeah,  _ how enticing _ . 

 

Her phone buzzed so she slid the beer glass away from her and set the phone against it; Alex Karev was FaceTiming her. She answered and held up a finger to the camera as she grabbed for her headphones in her purse. 

 

“Damn, Torres, it’s loud as hell in the hospital!” he joked at her. 

 

“Ha. Ha. I’m at Joe’s.” When his eyes got wide she amended her statement. “The one in Iowa City, sorry!”

 

Alex’s smile faded and he nodded slowly into the camera. “Sof and I were just here watching some show on Kid’s Netflix when I got wind that the almost all of the kidney kids are in post-op. Also, I wanted the mini Torres to stay up and say goodnight but she’s knocked; she’s gotta be growing or something. She’s already taller than Bailey!”

 

The image alone made Callie shudder with laughter, the kind that started in the ribs and vibrated the whole torso. It felt so freeing, especially after all the feelings she’d had today. “Alex, that’s hilarious. I needed that so, so much. How’d you know so much about the surgery today?”

 

“I have my ways,” Alex laughed when Callie raised an eyebrow at him. 

  
  


“It’s nice to see you smiling again,” Karev’s eyes sparkled at her and his mouth turned up in a small smile. “It’s been so long since you’ve smiled at me.”

 

Callie swallowed the lump building in her throat, “Wow, okay. When did you turn into such a sap?” 

 

“I guess it’s just in the air today. What brings you to your sad, sad bar on this joyous occasion?”

 

“I got a little claustrophobic in the packed gallery so after the third kidney went in okay, I took a walk.” 

 

He still seemed curious. 

 

“...in the Orthopedic wing.” Callie finished. 

 

“Cal, you know that upsets you every time.” Karev chastised her. “I know that walking like, 50 feet out of your way seems  _ daunting _ . But, so does spending three days with the same clothes on and a pizza nursing an emotional hangover.”

 

He motioned to her to hold on for a second while he took an earbud out of his ear. He set the phone down and Callie found herself staring at the ceiling fan. She recognized that fan, he was in her house - Arizona’s house. That made sense, especially if he was babysitting. Many memories of sleeping on the couch after a fight came back to her, especially ones that ended with her staring at the same fan until she was dizzy.

 

Quickly the phone screen changed to black as it seemingly tumbled off of it’s perch and a rustling noise grated into her ear buds. But it was worth it when the phone was righted. 

 

“Hey Mama.” 

 

Callie knew that Karev was babysitting but for some reason neglected to realize that her daughter was in the same home. Seeing Sofia’s face on the screen made her physically ache. Not only did she look so much older, but her baby face was slimming out. It was becoming obvious that the older she got, the more she was going to look like her father. The realization that Mark would never see her mixed with the obvious evidence that time was moving while she was stalling made her crumble. 

 

“Hi baby!” Callie sniffled and tried to keep her tears at bay. “Look at you! You’re so big! When did my mija turn into an adult.”

 

“Mami, I’m only nine!” Sofia giggled. “Please don’t cry!”

 

“Oh, Sof,” Callie’s voice was shaky. “These are happy tears! I love and miss you so much!”

 

“I love you too. Uncle Alex says I have to go back to bed. But, is it okay if I stay up and read you a goodnight book? Mommy says I need to practice my reading.”

 

Callie nodded, simply too emotional to speak. When her daughter set the phone down and ran off, Callie took this time to down the rest of her warm beer and find a more secluded area to listen to her daughter. Normally she’d go outside but it was chilly and even with two beers in her, she hadn’t thought to bring a jacket with her today. 

 

“Mami! I brought Stellaluna is that okay?”

 

“Yeah, baby, that’s okay.”

  
  
  
  


Callie didn’t realize she’d fallen asleep until Alex’s voice woke her. She opened her eyes to see Karev on the phone again. The timer in the corner said they’d been talking for almost two hours, which meant it was almost 11 p.m. in Seattle. 

 

“She just fell asleep so I left her on the couch. I didn’t wanna wake her up. But, I did notice you snoozing. Was the bedtime story that good?”

 

Callie chuckled, “I think I was emotionally exhausted. My baby is all grown up.” She started to cry again before Alex stopped her. 

 

“Cal, it’s only been a few months since you’ve seen her. It’s okay.”

 

“Alex, it’s been more than a _ few _ months. It’s been a few years.” Callie pleaded. FaceTiming and actually holding her child were two different things - two  _ very _ different things.     
  


“I know, I know. But, Arizona tells her all the time that you are doing well and that you love her. No one’s forgotten you, no one.” Alex’s face fell. “But, my phone is dying and no offense - but you look like shit.”

 

Her eyes darted to the little square on the screen where her face was and she laughed out loud. Mascara streaked her cheeks and there was a line where her makeup had come off against her fist as she slept. Pair that with her bloodshot eyes and Callie looked like a hot mess.

 

“Aright. Okay you’re off the hook this time Karev. Thank you for calling me, I didn’t realize how much I needed it today.” Callie’s tone tapered into one more serious. “I think I was planning to run again but I need to think on it more.” 

 

“Well, I’m always here. You know, everyone here misses you too. Plus, none of them have changed their numbers.” Alex winked as he ended the call. 

 

Callie laughed as she closed the call and saw she’d missed zero things while she’d been talking to her Sofia and Alex. She looked around, suddenly homesick for the solitary confinement of her cabin and decided to leave. 

 

As she walked up the bar, she noticed a gaggle of faces she recognized from the gallery earlier in the crowd. She smiled at them and wiped her eyes furiously. They all waved back to her and motioned for her to come over. On whim, she followed their beckoning and maneuvered her way to the crowd of Doctors. Maybe tonight would bud into something. 

 

“Clinic, right?” one guy asked her. 

 

“Yeah! You are?” Callie stuck out her hand.

 

“O’Neil, Marcus. Pediatrics. Everyone calls me Marc though. Unless we’ve been drinking and I embarrass myself, then apparently I’m known as an insensitive dick.” Everyone at the table burst into laughter and a hand on her shoulder made her divert her attention. 

 

“See, Marcus here just completed not one, but two, shifts on that Domino surgery without a break. It’s stupid, but whatever. Anyway, one of the visiting surgeons from the first patient walked in about an hour ago and we had no who she was other than that she helped with the first and fifth procedures.” A random guy in a hawkeyes jacket started to tell the story. 

 

Callie smiled politely. “What happened?”

 

“Well, apparently our little Marcus found her hiding in the back of the bar, crying against the jukebox.”

 

Callie waited for an explanation, because so far this story did not seem to match the reactions this group was having.  

 

“So, being the genius he is, Marcus decides to try and hit on this surgeon based solely on the fact that she’s ‘pretty like a cheerleader’.”

 

“While she was crying?” Callie asked, still confused. “And what kind of compliment is that?”

 

“Yes! I don’t get it. He has zero game.  Anyways, this lady looks up at him and, oh my god she ripped into him like none other. I don’t remember everything she said but, she did call him Doctor Dickwad and now that name’s permanent. She yelled so loud we heard her out here!” Jacket guy nodded furiously. 

 

“Yeah, and I didn’t even realize she’d called me that until I walked away and heard the interns repeating it!” Marcus whined and downed his shot and went back to pouting. 

 

The whole group started talking about other things and the feeling warmed Callie. She missed her friends, she missed Seattle. After a few minutes of polite conversation, she excused herself . All she wanted to do was go home and forget this weird, emotional day. She waved to her newfound acquaintances and went up to the bar to grab her credit card and close her tab.

 

But, something about laughing in that large group still stuck to her. It wasn’t the people, it was the feeling of belonging - of being a part of something.  Maybe it was time to think about going home. Not the cabin. No, no - Seattle.  Even though she had spent longer bouts of time in other places, she’d definitely left her heart and soul in the Pacific Northwest. 

 

When the bartender asked her name, she was surprised to see that her card came back to her with no receipt. The kid at the bar just said someone paid it and she just shrugged it off as some weird midwestern hospitality pay-it-forward type thing. With a dubious look she pocketed her card and made her way to the bathroom to clean herself up before the bouncers took one look at her and took her keys. 

 

Her phone buzzed again and she assumed it was Alex again. She swiped to read the text from and smiled so big that it hurt. 

 

_ Love you mama goodnight sorry i fell asleep.  _

 

Her eyes welled up and tears spilled over as she screenshotted the text to keep forever. 

 

She put her phone back into her pocket and stepped into the dimly lit bathroom. A throaty chuckle escaped her when she saw herself in the mirror - it was no wonder someone paid her tab. The bartender probably took one look at her and assumed she’d had a bad night. 

 

The cold water on her face was centering. The black droplets with mascara littered the porcelain sink. She used one of the rough paper towels in the dispenser littered with stickers and looked into the mirror again. Not exactly better, but she looked a little less crazy. 

 

A small cough made her turn around and lean against the sink. Callie had no idea that the restroom was occupied. She started to apologize when a damp throaty whisper cut her off. 

 

“Torres. Ortho, right?.”

 

“Clinic, yeah. Do I know you?”

 

“You should know, word travels fast. People talk.”

 

“Uhhh…” Callie started to mutter, not sure where this interaction was going. 

 

“People talk here. They...don’t really know you. You’re an enigma. It’s a shame really, because if you’d gotten to know them, they’d like you. I mean  _ really _ like you.”

 

She’d heard this before. 

 

Callie snapped up and looked into the mirror into the shadows behind her. Frustrated at the lack of light she whipped around, wiping water from her face. 

 

“In fact, if they knew you, they’d be lining up for you.”

 

“A…..Arizona?” Callie whispered with shaking lips and cold hands. Panic set in as the person stepped out of the shadows and Callie’s heart plummeted to the dirty, dingy bar floor. No, this couldn’t be. Nothing made sense. 

 

Her ex wife stood in front of her, mirroring a position they’d been in almost a decade ago. When they’d first fallen in love, all those years ago. 

 

“Calliope.”

  
  



End file.
